By Averill Pessin
The Battle Ax
Loud, brash and unapologetic, you’ll always know when the Battle Ax has a client in the ring. She holds up the order, is the loudest ringside and is the undisputed queen of the in-gate.
The Kindergarten Teacher
The Kindergarten Teacher rules with a soft voice and a velvet fist. In her world, everything is fine, everything is going to be fine and everything you do is beautiful, you perfect cutey-pie baby widdle muffin.
The Princess is perfectly coiffed, flawlessly attired and you never see her sweat. Her poise is legendary and her all-weather beauty is a mystery.
So good looking, we don’t even care if he doesn’t say a word, as long as he shows up at the ring. The Hunk is a favorite among pony moms and has a captain of the football team bromance with all the dads. He’d fist bump your horse, if he could.
The Regina George
The #SquadGoals trainer. You have no clue why you should ride with her, but all the cool kids do, so they must know something you don’t. Get in, loser, we’re going pony shopping.
Older than arena dust, the Relic is both feared and revered by everyone at the showpark. Stewards and show officials are brought to their knees, with one wag of the Relic’s finger.
The only way is the European way. You’d better learn to speak Dutch quickly, or your training dollars are going to waste. A snap between the shoulder blades with a crop is your only sign you did a good job.
We have no clue how this dude ended up at our horse show but he’s sure fun to hang out with. He walks with a swagger, trains horses like an old-school cattle rancher and talks with a toothpick hanging out of his mouth.