By SARAH LOUISE LILLEY
There I was–reins in hand, sweat dripping….
It was my second show of the season, a Horse Park of New Jersey Schooling Horse Trial. Dressage went well (My horse Luna was relaxed and focused). Show Jumping warm-up was hectic (as always) but solid. I was ready.
And then–an unexpected delay. I had to stand in the humid heat for 20 minutes, just waiting. Then I heard: “You’re on deck.”
That’s when my brain chimed in:
“I’m soooooo hot.”
“Ug, I feel exhausted.”
“I’m too old for this.”
“I’m gonna forget my course.”
For 20-30 seconds, I spiraled. Then I thought: “Sarah, you know better… get out of your head and into your body.”
One of the Biggest Habits That Seems Helpful but Quietly Holds Us Back?
#1 Avoiding Our Feelings
Most of us never learned how to feel an emotion without trying to analyze or fix it. We jump into our heads and start ‘making meaning’— Why am I feeling this way? What’s wrong with me? What’s going to happen?
According to neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor, “You experience an emotion like fear, anger… your brain releases a cascade of neurochemicals (like cortisol or adrenaline)… biochemical response creates physical sensations–a racing heart, tight chest, flushed face, etc. These chemicals metabolize within 60 to 90 seconds unless re-triggered by thought.”
The invitation is to feel the body sensation without re-triggering the emotional loop, to feel the discomfort without making meaning of it.
So… I checked in with my body. My eyes felt prickly. My throat was bone dry from the dust. My body felt like a drooping flower that desperately needed water. That’s it. Just sensations. A little uncomfortable, but I was okay.
I didn’t need to make meaning out of it. I didn’t need to make up stories about forgetting courses; I could simply ride from this place. I was going to be fine. I just breathed into what I was feeling.
And of course, the irony is, the more I allowed the sensation to be there, the quieter it got. All parts of us just want to be seen and heard. The more we hold space, the quieter they get!
So when you catch yourself spiraling…
- PAUSE and check in with your body.
- Not the story. Not the thoughts. Just the sensations.
- Feel them. Breathe into them. Bring safety to the nervous system.
Let your body lead, and your mind will follow. It’s simple but not easy. It’s a skill, and it takes practice.
Another Destructive Habit a Lot of Equestrians are Encouraged to Do?
#2 “Just Toughen up and Push Through”
Many of my clients come to me after having had a scary fall. Well-meaning trainers told them to “get back on” immediately after their fall. This is the WORST advice you can get. Of course, if you feel fine, by all means, jump back on. But if you feel frozen, in shock, anxious, or shaky, please take the time you need!
If you ignore the body’s signals and don’t allow it time to fully process what happened, you can lock in that trauma response, and it will likely trigger you in the future.
Take a walk or literally shake it off (Taylor Swift wasn’t wrong). Shaking is a proven way to reset the nervous system–used by mammals to discharge stress and return to calm. It discharges leftover fight-or-flight energy, metabolizes cortisol and adrenaline, and signals to our body that it’s safe.
#3 Toxic positivity is another problematic habit
This simply invalidates, shames, and teaches us to suppress our emotions.
Equestrians are often told, ”Don’t be nervous, think positive.” “Don’t be scared, you’re going to be fine.”
But unfortunately, your ancient fear brain, the amygdala, is like a scout in the army. Its sole job is to be on the lookout for danger.
If a scout came back to the Army to tell them about an imminent threat and no one listened to him, what would they do? They would just get louder, they would start yelling! However, if the Army simply listened to the scout and paid attention, he’d feel complete: “Okay, good, I’ve done my job. Thanks so much, I’m going to bed.”
We need to build capacity to be with our emotions so we can compassionately hold space for our “scout” and not buy into its stories.
Confidence is NOT the absence of emotion or sensation.
Confidence is safety in the nervous system. It sounds like…
- “Even though a part of me feels nervous, I choose to trust I’ve got this.”
- “Even though I can feel this energy in my stomach, I’m okay.”
- “Even though I can feel this pressure in my chest, I’m more than this feeling.”
We were never taught how to feel our feelings safely. Most of us learned to override them, to push through, to ignore, or to perform. But what if your feelings weren’t the problem, but the path?
Freedom is knowing you have the capacity to hold space for any emotion and stay present with whatever arises.
A recent client of mine, Jen, excitedly told me, “I’ve never felt such flow at a show before.”
When we first started working together, Jen was considering stopping showing because she was so anxious she would nearly black out mid-round. During our EFT sessions, we got to the root of that fear and processed that trauma out of her body.
Read more about EFT here.
Jen told me, “I felt so relaxed in warm-up. Then, as I was heading to the ring, I got a little nervous, but it was like a 3 out of 10 (in the past, it would be a 1000!) I said to it, “Oh, hi. I was wondering when you’d show up.” I breathed into the tightness and told it–“You’re welcome to come along for the ride, but I’ve got the reins.”
Jen and I did the deep get-to-the-root work in session, and then she had the tools to build capacity for any nerves that showed up. (And we also need a little bit of that activation energy if we want to get into a flow state.)
So much of what we label “confidence issues” is really nervous system patterns asking for support. The good news? These patterns can change–and you don’t have to do it alone.
If your nervous system has been whispering–or screaming–in or out of the show ring, maybe this is your sign to stop white-knuckling it through fear or pressure and try something new. Let’s bring some safety to your nervous system so you can ride with more ease and confidence.
And how did my show go? One rail in Show Jumping (rider error–not enough pace), but we went clear in XC and finished third. It turned out to be a really fun day!
About the writer:
Sarah Louise Lilley is a clinical EFT practitioner who helps equestrians overcome fear, blocks, and trauma – both in and out of the saddle. A sought-after coach, speaker, and guest on numerous equestrian podcasts, she’s known for her holistic, heart-centered approach that empowers riders to release the root causes of anxious thinking and limiting beliefs. Through her work, Sarah equips equestrians with tools to cultivate ease, trust, and clarity – so they can ride with confidence. Struggling with riding anxiety? Download her FREE 10-minute “Fearless & Free” Tapping Audio at EmotionalFreedomwithSarah.com, or come say hi on Instagram @SarahLouiseLilley.
