Welcome to Trainer Tuesday! Each week we ask trainers a question and gather their answers for you. These trainers have a range of experience, backgrounds, and focus points of their programs, so the answers have as much variation as you would expect and also probably much more similarity.
This week’s question posed is: How do you handle a rider who gets angry when something isn’t as easy as they think it is going to be or should be?
Here are their answers:
“As riders, everyone has at some point felt angry, frustrated or upset with themselves, whether it’s on or off of a horse. When I have a rider who is frustrated, I make them come back to the walk and practice being present and remembering that horses aren’t machines. Most of the time, anger comes from lack of trust or impatience from a rider. If a horse or a rider is struggling at a task, I also make it simpler, and we can always revisit when they are both in the right mindset. Horses feed off energy, so I like to remind riders that as well.” –Devon LeMoine
“A rider with anger must learn to channel this anger into discipline for the horse if the cause of their anger is the horse acting out. This is the case 9 times out of 10. I have dealt with this consistently. I do prefer a rider to get angry over fearful. I teach the rider to take a deep breath in and out, and then use this to discipline the horse in a collective manner. If a rider is having an off day and just gets angry then they must dismount and compose themselves before mounting up again.” –M.K. with Unity Riding Academy
“Everything is easy when you know how to do it. Getting angry or frustrated is pretty normal—it means you want it. Taking it out on the people or animals around you isn’t ok. Recognizing how you’re feeling and channeling that into small actionable tasks to get you to the goal is the best system for getting there, although it can feel dreadfully slow. In the past if a student is really struggling I have encouraged them to get a sport psychologist like Mario Soto or April Clay.” –Dustin Cossaboom
“When anger in our students surfaces, it’s easy to become angry or frustrated ourselves, as coaches, but in these moments it’s always important to remember where anger can stem from. In highly intelligent & sensitive people (the kind who are often drawn to horse sport) anger can be a reaction to the internal feeling that perhaps we’re not as good as we thought we were! Students who anger quickly when a task is more challenging than expected are often those who are able to succeed quickly in other areas of their lives.
When we, as coaches, introduce a task that suddenly feels harder than it “should,” it’s a reminder to double check that all previous steps in the training scale have been addressed and mastered—and if that is in fact true, and the job at hand simply requires elevated precision, feel, or patience (or all three) then it’s often a moment where highly sensitive, intelligent & motivated students feel that their loop of processing, adapting & succeeding quickly has broken.
This is where anger can surface quickly because it’s easier for riders to classify the task as “frustrating or unfair” than it is to imagine that they possibly can’t solve it, or they’re not good enough, or they’re failing in front of others. In training arenas, especially in horse sports, riders can’t rely solely on intellect or effort, they have to tolerate uncertainty while their body and timing catch up to their understanding. When training introduces a task that suddenly feels harder than it “should” it can disrupt a rider’s internal model of themselves.
Anger is often the first emotion to surface because it is an emotion that restores a sense of agency. The gap between knowing what to do and being able to do it, is one of the most emotionally challenging spaces for high-performing students, so as coaches the goal isn’t to shut down the anger, but to recognize what it represents. In many, it is simply the surface expression of a student who cares deeply.
Simply having this knowledge and the wealth of experiences that we do as trainers—these situations can become some of the most important in a lifetime of training, because they’re often the exact point where a student moves from performing competence, to developing resilience, to accomplishing true mastery. A good coach realizes these moments often happen right at the edge of their student’s next level of growth.” –McKrell Baier
“It is very common for riders to be frustrated or angry when an exercise or a ride isn’t as easy or going according to plan as they anticipated. As a trainer, it’s very important to stay calm and positive. I will always tell them first the things they did RIGHT. If it is an exercise they are struggling with, I will breakdown to pinpoint the specific portion of the exercise that is causing the frustration, in order to simplify and set them up for success. If we are at a competition, I will give them 2 or 3 things to prioritize and focus on while riding. My goal is at the end of the ride they feel accomplished, and by focusing on the building blocks instead of the big picture it allows them to see the positive aspects and not just the negative.” –Carly Hartdorn
“When a student gets angry, the first thing I ask the student to do is pause. There is so much power in just giving the nervous system a moment to reset. Next, I’ll guide the student through square (or box) breath: inhaling for a four count, holding for four, exhaling for four, holding at the bottom for four. Once the student has capacity, we’ll talk about why they are feeling the emotion and try to help them understand the exercise in a way that is more broken down. If the student is frustrated with their horse I help them see their horse’s perspective on the exercise or give a modification as an intermediate step. Just because an exercise is simple in theory, doesn’t mean it’s easy in execution!” –Rachael van den Berg
“Explain that it takes time to gain skill. Rarely things are easy in the beginning. Horseback riding is one of the things that requires you to be doing everything right on your end, while expecting that the horse is on the same page. Just chill out and enjoy having the opportunity to ride such a great creature.” –Victoria Watts
“When riders shut down in response to a challenging ask, it’s usually because a fundamental piece is missing. I like to break the skill down and fill in the gaps.
For example, if a rider is struggling with the counter canter, we’ll focus on mastering haunches in and out at the walk, trot, and straight-line canter. Those exercises become the building blocks that naturally lead to the bigger goal.
I also find it helpful to demonstrate for my visual learners so they can see how I use my aids. And I remind my students that there’s always something to improve with every horse—time, patience, and consistency always pay off.” –Allison Born
“I try to increase communication between trainer and rider and then between the rider and the horse. Riders in my program are taught to “purge” (actually look over their shoulder and fake vomit) their nerves, negative thoughts, and energy before they try the exercise or walk into the show ring. Then a deep breath of good thoughts and a plan that sets them up for success. The act of letting it go seems to make a significant difference and learning to inhale better energy produces positive experiences in horses and in life!” –Courtney Hayden-Fromm, read about her..
“The horse is the very best teacher. When something isn’t going according to plan with one of my riders we calmly take a step or two back, going back to the walk in many cases, as I deconstruct the problem in my head and create a situation where the horse is able to appropriately answer the question, thereby teaching the rider how to ask. A ‘type A’ or perfectionist personality can be a bit of a double-edged sword. These are the riders that I feel are trying so hard, which I appreciate so much, but they are also the ones that can get frustrated when they’re not able to communicate clearly their current desire to their equine partner.
Total human nature! And in my opinion not to be thought of as something negative, but rather a new avenue of education. When we work together, and are thoughtful about the process of explaining the steps toward the right answer, it can be achieved and success attained.
Patience, understanding, trust. Everyone’s winning.” –Kim Harries
“My answer would be first to take a step back and realize you are working with a live animal, so no matter how well prepared you are things may not always go to plan. Neither you nor your horse are going to be 100% every day, and that’s unrealistic to expect. Second I would say that you learn by making mistakes. Perfection in this sport is just not possible. Even the top international riders still make mistakes, and that’s just the nature of the sport. Making mistakes and then going back over what you can improve is a crucial part of learning. The third thing I would say is don’t compare your rate of progression to others. I think this is a big source of anger and frustration, but the reality is no two horses or riders are the same. Different people have different circumstances. Some horses are more difficult to ride than others, so it’s not fair to expect to be moving up or completing tasks as easy as someone else may be.” –Katie Addington
“I like to remind all my students that training is a process. Each horse has a different mental and physical capability, so you have to work with their timeline not yours. If you stay patient, you will eventually get the result that you want. If you rush the process, you will wind up with a horse with more issues and problems, and probably not achieve the result that you want.” –Jody Moraski
“The first thing I do is have the rider take some time out and walk on a loose rein to collect themselves. Sometimes a student has a bad day or faces personal issues. Whether that is the case or not, it always helps to revisit the rider’s goals before going forward.
No matter if it’s a competitive client or a riding school student, it’s important to have a realistic long-term goal in mind. Discuss the necessary steps to reach that goal and estimate how long it may take. Examples of long-term goals are moving up to a higher division, progressing from single jumps to riding courses, or learning to canter comfortably. Then choose a few immediate goals; those reachable in a fairly short time. The rider might learn shoulder-in, feel more comfortable jumping oxers, and improve strategy for a handy class or optimum time class. Focusing just on long-term goals may cause frustration and impatience. But short-term goals within reach give the rider an immediate sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. I always remind my clients that they are in a partnership with the horse, and building trust and understanding takes time and hard work. Riding is always a process built on practice and repetition, but the rewards of learning properly last far longer than shortcuts or quick fixes.” –Patricia Jellerson
“Handling a rider like that is part psychology, part reality check. Riding isn’t a sport for the faint of heart. I would remind them that they are working with a thousand-pound animal with its own brain, not a bicycle you can just steer harder when things go wrong. It’s a humbling sport, and learning to manage your emotions is part of becoming a good horseman. Getting angry when things don’t go according to plan isn’t fair to the horse, because they’re responding to the rider in that moment. I remind riders that patience, humility, and responsibility are part of the job if you want to do right by the animal and I don’t tolerate anything other than that “ –Jennifer Ritucci
“If I have a rider who is getting frustrated I tend to notice it could be because they are trying to many things at once or are asking the wrong way. I simply have them slow down and break it up in smaller steps or I will show them myself.” –Nia Edwards
“Sometimes dealing with riders and their emotions is harder than anything! I try to diffuse things w a little humor. When I explain a ‘simple’ exercise, I tell them just because it’s simple, does not means it’s easy! I say over and over again that ‘whoever told them riding horses was easy lied to them!’ I also prep it with ‘you probably won’t do it perfect at first either, no big deal.’ If they get obsessive about getting it right- I’ll just say ‘let’s try it again next time.’ We do have talks about anger and emotions in riding quite frequently. I’ll also ask them if they are mad at themselves? Or their horse? And then we have all those discussions (age appropriate of course!)” –Jennifer Pigue, read a blog by Jennifer.
“I would remind them that in difficult times or loss is when we have the opportunity to learn. And then I would share some stories of my own struggles that we could all laugh about together.” –Agatha Reid
“This is a difficult situation. As an instructor you need to balance the difficulty of the exercises you have your students do so they are challenged, but not so much that they feel defeated. When there is an anger response you talk about emotions, and how learning is compromised by anger, fear, and other strong emotional responses.” –Carolyn Biava
“At Kippewa and Kippewa Equestrian Academy, we work with many campers who arrive with a strong riding background. Many of our girls ride regularly at home, often with a small group of lesson horses or a horse they lease or own and show. Because of that familiarity, riders often know their horses very well and are used to how those particular horses respond. When they arrive at camp and ride a new horse, something that once felt easy can suddenly feel different. When that happens, it is very common for the first reaction to be blaming the horse.
One of the greatest strengths of our program is the diversity of our herd. Each summer we work with 40–50 very different horses and ponies, each with their own personalities, training histories, and communication styles. This gives us a wonderful opportunity to help riders shift their thinking from simply telling a horse what to do to understanding how we ask a horse to do something.
Instead of focusing on why the horse “won’t,” we focus on how the rider is communicating. Are the aids clear? Is the timing correct? Is the rider balanced and organized enough to allow the horse to respond? These conversations help riders develop a deeper understanding of horsemanship while building empathy for their equine partners.
When frustration begins to build, we intentionally slow things down. Sometimes that means stepping back to a simpler version of the exercise or working at a slower pace so riders can experience small, achievable successes. Finding those small victories is often the key to rebuilding confidence and understanding.
However, while frustration is a normal part of learning, anger or aggression toward a horse is never tolerated. If a rider becomes overly frustrated or begins to direct that frustration at their horse, we will ask them to pause. That may mean dismounting and hand walking their horse, sitting out of the lesson for a few minutes, or even returning the next day to try again with a fresh perspective.
We have the patience to talk through the steps needed for success. We have the flexibility to swap horses, repeat lessons, or adjust the skill level of an exercise to help both horse and rider find a better channel of communication.
Our horses also play an important role in this learning process. While we have talented schoolmasters and former show horses, we are also proud of our program retraining Standardbreds off the track. These horses, often seasoned “war horses” with incredible patience, give riders a safe place to learn while also reminding them that not every horse will ride like the one they know at home.
Ultimately, riding teaches far more than technical skills. It teaches resilience, empathy, adaptability, and respect. As we work with the next generation, horses provide an incredible opportunity not only to develop riders, but also to shape thoughtful, patient, and compassionate young people.” –MaryPaige Black Kowalski
“Your question can be a very difficult one to deal with I have people that want their lessons to go absolutely perfect but I tell them a hard lesson is the best lesson. You learn how to deal with a problem in your lesson so that when you’re in the show ring, you can think on your own and make the correct decision to fix any issue that might come up. This is a tough sport dealing with horses that also have good days and bad days. I tell them to ride the horse they have today. I also tell riders that your emotions need to take a back seat when riding and lessoning. Be open to criticism and advice and as your progress you will find things come together.” –Tina Boyle
“This might be an unpopular thing to do, but I tell the rider to get off, if they are getting angry with their horse.
As a rider, you need to have control of your emotions to ride properly. If you cannot control your anger while riding, get off, compose yourself, maybe let someone else sit on your horse while you gather yourself together, and only get back on, once you’ve regained your composure.
That’s how I was trained, that how I teach.” –Caroline Mercier
“When a rider gets angry because something isn’t as easy as they expected, the first step is to acknowledge the frustration without letting it derail the lesson. Riding is a complex skill that asks the brain and body to coordinate many things at once, so those moments are actually very normal in the learning process. I remind riders that frustration often shows up right at the edge of learning—when they are stretching beyond what already feels comfortable.
One of the most effective ways to help a rider move through that moment is to break the skill into micro-steps. What may look like “one skill” is often actually several smaller pieces happening together. Instead of focusing on the entire movement, we isolate a tiny, achievable part of it. For example, rather than asking a rider to perfect a full movement immediately, we might start with simply finding the correct position, then adding timing, then adding feel, and finally putting it all together. Each micro success gives the rider a quick win and builds confidence.
These small steps help riders see progress they might otherwise miss. Instead of feeling like they are failing at the big picture, they begin to realize they are actually succeeding at several smaller parts along the way. That shift in perspective often reduces frustration and helps them re-engage with curiosity rather than anger.
It’s also important to normalize the learning curve. I remind riders that skill building in riding is not linear. Progress rarely happens in a straight upward line. There are days when things click and days when they feel harder again. That doesn’t mean a rider is moving backward—it usually means their brain and body are processing new information.
I encourage students to view any improvement as a win, even if it seems small. A steadier hand for a few strides, a more balanced transition, or simply staying calm through a challenging exercise are all meaningful steps forward.
Finally, I often reframe the feeling of discomfort. The challenge riders feel when something isn’t easy is actually a sign that learning is happening. Growth lives right outside the comfort zone. When a rider feels challenged or a little awkward, it usually means their brain and body are adapting to a new skill.
Helping riders understand that frustration, challenge, and even temporary setbacks are part of the growth process allows them to leave the lesson feeling positive. Instead of seeing the difficulty as failure, they begin to recognize it as evidence that they are learning, improving, and moving forward in their riding journey
Finally, I like to end the lesson after a moment of success so the last moment feels like a victory. –Amy Hill
“When a rider becomes frustrated, I usually pause and reset the moment. Horses respond to calm, clear communication, and when emotions take over it becomes harder for the horse to understand what’s being asked. I remind riders that progress with horses rarely happens instantly—patience, problem-solving, and a willingness to go back to the basics are all part of becoming a thoughtful and effective rider.” –Laura Humphrey
“I have a saying, ‘It goes wrong for all of us, including Olympians. We’ll try again.’ ” –Rob Van Jacobs
“There are no emotions in riding!
I love that phrase because horses don’t understand our emotions. However, we can become very emotional as riders—I know I have!
If I see a student become angry, I have them take a walk break. Give them a moment to decompress. Then talk about it. Talk about what is getting them angry, how horses don’t understand that, and how we can communicate what we are trying to do a different way.” –Johanna Hyyppa
