By KIRSTIE LYNN DOBBS
It’s the fall of 2019, and I am paralyzed with fear. I don’t know how I got to this point in my life. I’m on top of my 14-year-old grey mare, Barilla, a jumper. I’m dressed in a shadbelly, staring down the in-gate to the hunter derby at the Big E horseshow in Springfield, Massachusetts. My face flushes as the arena lights bear down an unbreathable heat, and my heart starts to race. My body freezes while I faintly hear my trainer reciting the course for review.
I’m not listening. All I hear in my head is, “What are you doing… Barilla is a JUMPER, NOT A HUNTER. What makes you think you can just step back into the hunter ring?! You are going to embarrass yourself. I can’t believe you thought you could ride horses away from your family farm. You can’t do this on your own. You have no idea what you are doing.”
It’s my turn. I pick up my reins, and Barilla walks forward into the ring. We start our courtesy circle. Barilla picks up the canter with energetic enthusiasm, balance, and grace. Suddenly, I hear Barilla’s voice (which strangely sounds like Scarlett Johansson) saying, “You got this girl; this is going to be fun!” We turn to head to the first jump, a long run to a single vertical, and I feel my mare come alive. We jump the first jump, land, a mild head shake to express her amusement, and we stride forward—scores in the mid-70s–relief sets in.
In the summer of 2019, I moved my jumper Barilla out to Massachusetts because the trainer I rode with at home at our family farm, Treesdale Farms in Indiana, had left, and we had no one at home to take care of her. I had ridden with this trainer since I was 15, and it was a “bad breakup,” to say the least. On top of that, Barilla, who was usually my spunky, happy-go-lucky mare who showed in the 1.40 Amateur Jumpers, had changed. She had consistent rails, which wasn’t typical, and she no longer enjoyed the show ring. Physically, she was great. But mentally, she didn’t have the enthusiasm I was used to.
Long story short, we found ourselves switching out our jumper tack for a hunter bridle when we realized there weren’t many jumper shows happening in our area, but there were lots of equitation and hunters! So we decided, “Why not try something new?” Over the next three years, Barilla and I would show in the hunters, equitation, and derbies—winning classes in all three.
Our initial stint in MA was short-lived. When COVID hit, I moved Barilla back to Indiana (we now had hired an excellent young horsewoman to care for her). During this time, I was also on the academic job market (which was mentally debilitating), working through my first few years of marriage, and as a college professor, experiencing firsthand the mental health crisis affecting young people during isolation and virtual learning. As a horse girl who grew up showing almost every weekend as a teenager, I had developed anxiety (likely due to the overwhelming task of balancing school and horses). I also had depression, the “down current” of anxiety due to attaching my self-worth to my performance in the ring, and self-doubt, which likely came from attaching myself so strongly to the validation of a trainer.
The COVID pandemic exacerbated these feelings for me, and I needed help, which started my journey into mindfulness-based stress reduction techniques. When I arrived to show Barilla, I typically had not practiced. My nerves would be on edge, and the negative self-talk would try to insert itself into my head. However, when I started incorporating mindfulness practices into my show prep and riding, I felt stronger, more confident, and more resilient. Barilla was with me every step of the way.
However, in 2022, Barilla started to showcase change again. She was nervous and anxious and had a lot of self-doubt when jumping the two-strides. I decided to retire her, but she didn’t like that either. A friend recommended I bring her back to MA to try dressage. This way, we could learn something new, keep her strong and healthy, and be together without the stress of horse showing and jumping.
So, we started the next phase of our journey, dressage. We were lucky to work with an asset-based, positive, affirming dressage trainer, and we found a new barn family who welcomed us with open arms. Barilla and I became stronger and more confident with every lesson, “dance move,” and test. I bought clothing with horses on it and got “giddy” about the next horse show. Strangely, I felt connected to my inner horse girl again–a girl I didn’t realize I had lost.
In 2024, Barilla and I traveled to Lexington, Ky., to compete in the United States Dressage Federation Nationals. We leg-yielded, extended our trot, and saluted in the same rings I grew up in as a child and teen. The same rings where I doubted my abilities, experienced fear, and had to work through the dramatic changes in my young life.
After reflecting on this journey with Barilla, I realized that my beautiful, powerful, confident gray mare has always been my mirror. When she wasn’t enthusiastic about the jumpers, it was because I was starting to lose my passion and spark–not her. When she was anxious and doubting herself in the hunters, it was her way of encouraging me to work through these serious mental barriers myself. She spoke directly to my mental health and refused to let me hide my shine. She knew I had to work through these emotions to reach my full potential, and she was with me every step of the way.
As horse girls, we typically start this journey confident, eager to learn, and unafraid. However, as we enter our teenage years, social pressures, academics, and striving for the unattainable “ideal” female image often creates anxiety, depression, and a decreased sense of self-worth. We usually value and trust our equine partners more than we trust ourselves. My message to horse girls everywhere is that your feelings are valid, and you are not alone.
Going into 2025, these experiences have motivated me to tie together all my skills, experiences, and talents to serve other young horse girls experiencing big emotions that can lead us down a path of negativity. Just like Barilla helped me, I want to help other horse girls find their shine and realize all of their strengths so they can fully step into their power as the amazing, multi-faceted, talented, passionate horsewomen who are present in droves in our industry. Sometimes, we need someone to hold the mirror and help us see our true selves. This is why I started my own business, Horse Girl Wellness, to help young horse girls build emotional resiliency and unshakable confidence and thrive in all arenas of their life. And it’s all thanks to my incredible mare – who raised the mirror and was with me every step of the way.
About: Kirstie Lynn Dobbs, P.hD. is an equestrian, academic, and life coach dedicated to helping teens and young adults build emotional resiliency and unshakable confidence and thrive in all arenas of their lives. You can find her riding in the dressage ring with her mare, Barilla, and in the showjumping ring with her young horse, Nelson. She also enjoys yoga, volunteering with her dog Naomi, who provides pet therapy, and hiking with her dogs.
Instagram: @kirstie.dobbs.phd
Tik Tok: @horsegirl_wellness
Facebook: @KirstieDobbsPhD
Email: kirstie@horse-girl–wellness.com
Website: www.horse-girl-wellness.com
