BY AN ANONYMOUS HORSE HUSBAND
I am not saying my wife lies to me about all things equestrian, but the truth generally falls between extreme exaggeration and plausible deniability. Here are a few of my favorites over the years:
#1 “I just have to run to the barn for something quick”.
Translation: we might see her by dinner time. It has already been established that hunter jumper riders operate in a time vortex based on ring time schedules, but a “quick trip to Target” pales in comparison to a barn visit. I suppose I’ve been telling my wife that a round of golf takes nine hours, so we’ll call this one a tie.
#2 “It’s an investment horse. We can make money when we sell it.”
Perhaps people do this, but I can assure you that I am not one of the lucky few. 22 years of marriage and I have yet to make a wooden nickel off any of them. The word “Investment” should be banned from the equestrian vernacular.
#3 “It is cheaper to have a horse at home than to board it.”
This is pure equestrian math on how much is being saved after you factor in the amortized cost of the barn, tack room, wash stall, stall mats, and the inevitable “to be discussed later” riding arena, footing, fencing, and irrigation… because there is no sense having a horse at home and having nowhere to ride it. Oh, I almost forgot the horse trailer and truck needed in case of emergencies and to trailer in for lessons.
#4 “We need to build extra stalls so we can rent the other ones out and make money.”
Boarding horses is easy, but boarders are difficult. The $4.75 an hour for your labor is definitely not worth the aggravation. I equate the number of barn stalls to a closet. Regardless of the size, they will both be filled to the brim. If there is space, it must be filled even if mini ponies are used on a temporary (or permanent) basis.
#5 “You can’t have just one horse in your barn.”
I’ve been told that horses are pack animals and can’t be alone. Therefore, you need a minimum of two, but then if you take one away to ride, then you are back to one; therefore, three is the absolute minimum required. I am not sure what the story to get to four will be, but I am sure it is coming soon.
#6 “Saddles don’t lose their value. I can sell this new saddle for what I paid for it.”
This might, possibly, kinda be true if you squint really hard while looking at the figures. Five saddles later, and it might have happened once, should generous rounding be applied, but new tack must be procured to match the new saddle, and lest we forget the arcane practice of saddle fitter investment to get it just right.
I am not saying my wife is lying to me, but the truth is stretched, twisted and molded to fit the desired narrative and end result. Happy wife, happy life, and I do enjoy the creative crafting of the argument process; perhaps we should call it “enhanced truth manipulation” on a go-forward basis?
